During this deployment, I have had absolutely nothing to say. I would go to lunch with friends and wouldn't be able to add anything to the conversation. People would ask me how I was doing, and I wouldn't be able to think of a response past "fine." Talking on the phone only worked if the other person could carry the conversation.
My puzzle is an example of my inability to speak. I can't really make my puzzle sound exciting for purposes of this blog post. It wasn't exciting; it was a puzzle. Still, there was a time this winter when that puzzle was the only thing I could think to talk about. I told friends about my puzzle and even posted a picture of it on FB. I felt a need to interact, but I had nothing to say.
I don't really feel this silence any more. I feel back to my normal talkative self. I can't fully explain why I felt such an inability to speak, or why I now am back to "normal," but I can venture some guesses. This post is a work in progress; my current best guesses on why it is so hard to speak during a deployment.
Deployments are difficult to talk about.
Deployments themselves are difficult to talk about. There really just isn't much to say. Nothing ever changes. What can I say about the deployment? J is still deployed. Period. I appreciate it so much when people ask me about the deployment and how J is doing, but there isn't much to report. J is still deployed. I'm still here missing him.
Then there is the issue that everything is a secret. Oh OpSec! How I hate you! The few things I hear that I want to share are secret. What do I obsess over? WHEN WILL J FINALLY COME HOME!?!?!?!?!?! But of course, I'm not supposed to mention anything about that. There may be days when I'm extra grumpy or days when I'm extra cheery, depending on the current homecoming rumors, but mum's the word. I can't say a thing.
Then there is the final issue that I need to keep it together. Even if something changes that I can share, some days I just need to block it all out to get through the day.
Nothing else seems to matter.
To an ordinary person, there would still be plenty in life to talk about, but for me, nothing else seems to matter. Therefore, it's not worth mentioning.
When J first left, and I was so scared every day that something would happen to him, it was hard to care about anything else. How on earth could I care about what I ate for breakfast when my love was fighting a war?
There is a deployment slogan I see frequently: "Half my heart is deployed." It's a good metaphor. Half my heart is fighting a war on the other side of the world. I may live in a first world country, work a professional job, have good food, and be relatively safe, but half my heart is in an entirely different world. In that world, people fight wars and are faced with the reality of death.
Living through a deployment changes your perspective. Things you used to care about no longer matter.
I want to be a positive person.
My typical personality is upbeat and positive. I like to add something positive to a conversation. When someone asks me how I'm doing, I like to say "Good!" I like to smile and tell fun stories.
During this deployment, I simply haven't felt happy and it's hard to be an unhappy person. When someone asks me how I'm doing, I don't want to say, "sad." I don't want to talk about how I'm having a bad day, or a bad 11 months. I don't want to bring down the conversation.
My life is so different from those around me.
Deployments are socially weird. I have friends in relationships and friends who are single. My friends in relationships talk about all their fun couple activities. My single friends talk about going out and meeting people. Then there's me. I don't have couple stories and I don't have single stories. I don't know how my stories fit into any conversation.
I feel like my life is dull and boring.
For much of this deployment, I have felt tired and uninterested in doing exciting things. Not doing exciting things obviously prevents me from telling stories about exciting things. When people tell me their fun stories, my stories don't seem worth mentioning. "I went to a big party this weekend." "I watched a season of Army Wives." No no. It's better to remain silent.
As always, I want to leave this post with a little happiness and advice for my fellow military significant others. The happiness is that it gets better. As time passes, you will find things to talk about again. All those little things you forgot how to talk about start to seem worth mentioning again. The advice is that until the silence passes, don't be afraid to talk about small, insignificant things, like a puzzle. Sharing something, anything, will make you feel less isolated. My puzzle is proof of how wonderful my friends and family are. They listened to me talk. Having something to discuss, even a puzzle, really did help me feel less isolated and more apart of their world.
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