Letting It All Go

Since J first got deployed, I have been hoping that he would come home soon enough for us to enjoy some summer together.  Even just a few weeks would be nice so that we could go to the ocean, take a picnic, and maybe have a barbecue.  As summer approached, this began to seem unlikely, but I was still hopeful.  June came with no sign of J coming home.  July arrived with similar silence.  With a long, sad sigh, I finally had to accept that J would not be coming home this summer.  That meant no trip to the ocean, no picnic, and no barbecue.

On Wednesday evening of last week (due to circumstances I won't explain here), I discovered that I would have an unexpected three-day weekend completely free.  I contemplated the idea of doing something fun and random.  I looked up plane tickets, but they were all insanely expensive.  I next decided to look at a trip to the ocean.  I asked around about good spots, looked up hotels, and Thursday night found a pretty decent deal and made a reservation.  I would leave first thing Friday morning.  I couldn't wait!    

I assumed no one else would be free at the last minute to leave for vacation on a weekday, so I packed a bunch of books, seven in total, and decided I would read and explore!  

Lighthouse

I got up early Friday morning and made great time on my drive.  I arrived a little before ten.  I had the whole day free.  I really just wanted to sit by the ocean and read.  It was raining when I arrived, but being the optimist that I am, I assumed it would clear.  I thought that while it rained I would go for a walk.  I walked to a lighthouse and explored.  The lighthouse was cute and the gardens were gorgeous.  I found a covered spot and looked out on the gardens while it rained.

Looking out at the ocean
from under my umbrella

After visiting the lighthouse, I went back to my hotel, hoping the rain would clear so I could go to the beach.  Around noon I finally gave up waiting for the rain to stop and went to the beach in the rain.  I plopped my chair on the beach and sat under my umbrella.  I of course didn't pack any pants for the trip so I tried to wrap myself up in my beach towel to stay warm.  I propped my kindle up against the pole of my umbrella, and as the rain and wind picked up, I wrapped my towel around the sides to keep it dry.  The rain and wind continued to pick up.  I looked around the beach for a warmer spot and saw a shed where, on nice days, people can rent beach chairs and umbrellas.  I put my chair against the shed to block some of the wind.  I tried moving around the shed as the wind changed directions.  

Finally, I was too cold and went back to the hotel.  I tried sitting on the porch of my hotel room where there was a nice overhang, but even that became too cold.  It was a complete downpour.  I went into my hotel room and sat and read on my bed.  BUT WHO GOES TO THE OCEAN IN ORDER TO SIT IN THEIR HOTEL ROOM AND READ?!?!?!?!?!??!?!  NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I needed a solution!

I remembered seeing a Marshalls on my drive in, and thought I could find it and buy some cheap pants, a raincoat, or anything warm.  I got in my car and ended up driving about 45 minutes in the downpour, but not finding the Marshalls or any other store that would sell clothes.  As I was driving back to the hotel, I decided to at least stop for food and wine.  Wine is really important on vacation, especially a vacation in the rain!  When I got out of my car to make the two stops, I got drenched.  It was one of those rains where, that second it takes you to open your umbrella as you step out of the car, is enough to soak you to the bone.  

When I finally got back to my hotel, completely drenched and completely unsuccessful in my attempt to find warm clothes, I kind of had to laugh.  This trip was definitely not going as planned.  But, here I was, already soaked, why not enjoy it?  So I went down to the ocean.  When I got to the beach I ran into the water.  I was freezing, but I didn't care.  The wind blew, and the rain poured, but it was so beautiful.  I think I saw three other people on the beach while I was there, a Dad with his about eight-year old daughter, and a runner.  I was pretty much alone with the ocean.  I walked along the ocean letting the waves splash against my feet.  When I got too cold, I crouched by the dunes and held up my umbrella to block the wind.  

At that moment, while I crouched by the dunes and looked out over the ocean, I just smiled.  There was something beautiful about this trip.  I realized that I had let go of any disappointment I had with the weather and decided to just love my trip no matter what it had in store for me.  I wanted a fun weekend getaway and I was going to have it no matter what!  

Later that evening, the weather did clear and I was able to enjoy reading out by the ocean.  

The next day was gorgeous!

The sun rising Saturday morning

It was so gorgeous that the beach was completely packed and I found myself feeling thankful for the time I had to be alone at the ocean during the rain on Friday.  I was glad that I got both the rain and the sun on my trip.

A gorgeous day at the ocean

I ended up completely loving my little getaway to the ocean.  It was relaxing, refreshing, and I'm really glad I went.

I do have one takeaway from this weekend, and that's the value of letting go of the things I cannot change.  One aspect of this deployment that is so frustrating for me is that every day we're apart is a day we'll never get back.  Every day down is another day lost.  Yes, I'm glad we're almost 11 months down, but that's 11 months of our lives we didn't get to share together.  J coming home will not change the fact that we missed a Christmas together, an anniversary together, etc.; that time is lost.  

As it poured on my trip to the ocean and I let go of the rain, I let go of this lost time as well.  I can't change this deployment.  What I can do, is not allow the frustration I feel toward the deployment to cloud our future.  I want to love the life we have together.  I'm not saying that someday I'll be thankful we went through this deployment, like I was thankful for the rain, but I also refuse to hold onto my frustration.  I can't wait for J to come home.  It's time to let go of everything else and look forward to the future.