The Deployment Roller Coaster

Deployment Roller Coaster
(my artistic skills are second to none)

This entire deployment has been an emotional roller coaster.  There are days when time seems to be passing and I think I can handle this.  Then there are other days when I am certain I cannot make it through another moment.  Days when I miss my love so much I feel like time has stopped and I cannot go on until I get to see him again.  

I've read some articles on the cycles of a deployment, and they discuss large phases, like the initial denial and missing, then the acceptance, then the anticipation for the loved one coming home.  As of yet, that has not been my experience.  I've been on this same exciting ride the whole time.  I feel for my family and friends.  I am sure they are all wondering why there are some days I am cheering on the passage of times and other days I snap at them for making encouraging comments.  (sorry guys!)  

So here they are, the fun, exciting loops of the deployment roller coaster:

1. SADNESS

There are days when I miss J so much I don't want to get out of bed.  I feel so tired that it takes all my energy to move through the day.  I generally don't feel like being around people, and if I do see people, I feel as though I have absolutely nothing to say.  This is the worst part of the deployment.

2.  ANGER

The good thing about the anger phase, which usually comes right after the sadness phase, is that I know I am feeling better because the emotions return.  I start feeling more like myself.  I'll be the first to admit that even when I'm not going through a deployment, I have a bit of a temper.  The deployment temper is just magnified times one hundred and is quite a bit less rational than my normal temper.  The list of things I get mad about is ridiculously long.  In fact, I will not put the list on my blog in fear of all my friends learning the extent of my crazy deployment temper.  Let's just say it's irrational anger.  I'm mad about the deployment and the injustice that my boyfriend got deployed and my life is just frozen in time while everyone else's life seems to move on.  I want fun vacations and cute photos too!

I always feel bad for pretty much everyone I know during this phase.  Woe is the person who tries to cheer me up when I am ANGRY!  NO, this deployment is not going fast!  NO, I am not happy that we're 10.5 months down!  NO, there is NO bright side and NO silver lining!

3. ACCEPTANCE

The best phase of the roller coaster is the acceptance phase.  I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm not angry, but I am just dealing with it.  I think this is the best you can hope for in the deployment.  The truth is this isn't a great year and this isn't fun.  However, I can accept it and try to make the most of it.  I seem to hit this phase when I get busy either at work, putting together care packages, making projects, or trying to accomplish goals.  During the acceptance phase, I miss J and I think about J constantly, but I can accept that I have to keep going.

4. TOO HAPPY

There are brief moments when I start to think time is going fast and the end is in sight.  Although it feels great for that day, or those few moments, the problem is there really is still a long way to go.  This is why I love my roller coaster analogy.  Becoming too happy is like being at the top of a giant downward spiral.  It is exhilarating and feels great for that moment, but it is followed by a long downward slope.  The "YES, WE'RE DOING THIS!" is always followed by me missing J so much I can barely function.  For this reason, I try not to think about the end.  I try not to get too excited.  I try to just accept.

So there it is, the deployment roller coaster.  Although this roller coaster ride continues, as the deployment goes on, I do think it is getting better in some ways.  I feel like the downward slopes are less steep and long.  I spend most of my time in the acceptance phase.  I have also learned the dangers of getting too happy and too excited about the end.  So for those friends and family reading this, you now can understand why I try to steer away from excited conversations dreaming about the end, why some days I'm in a really bad or sad mood even though nothing has happened or changed, and why I often try to just ignore the deployment and accept where I am.

I can't conclude this post without mentioning that one thing is constant throughout this deployment, and that is the fact that I love J very very much.  That never changes no matter where I am on the roller coaster ride.  I love him when I'm sad, when I'm mad, when I'm accepting, and when I'm happy.  That is what makes this whole crazy ride worthwhile.