11 Months Down

Today marks eleven months from when J was first deployed.  I don't have a lot to write today, but I feel like a small post to celebrate the milestone is warranted.  

It's funny the things I find myself thinking about as we get closer to the end.  As time passes, I occasionally allow myself to get lost in my dreams.  There is one memory that keeps springing to mind, an evening where we went to see a horse race.  While waiting for a race to begin, I leaned over the fence separating us from the track, and like the nincompoop that I am, dropped my purse over onto the other side.  I didn't know how to get it!  I could never reach.  I imagined trying to hook my feet into the fence as I dove over for my purse.  Then J, with his long long arms, affectionately smiled at me and effortlessly reached over the fence and picked up my purse.  J is a real superhero!  

I don't know why this memory always springs to mind when I dream about J coming home.  I think it's because it was so simple.  This single moment that reminds me of how J loves me even though I do ridiculous things, like drop my purse over a fence or pour coffee onto an upside-down mug, it reminds me that J and I are a team in whatever little obstacles life could throw our way, and it reminds me that facing life with the person you love often makes the difference between frustration and laughter.  

In those moments when I let myself be carried away in my dreams, I try to imagine life after this deployment.  This deployment feels like a long dark hole, but with eleven months down, it almost feels possible that this deployment could someday come to an end.  When I dream of this end, I dream about trips and adventures, but more than anything, I dream about all those little moments that are made wonderful when shared with the person you love.

So, my big 11-Months-Down toast is this: 

Celebrate the little moments, the random hugs, the loving smiles, and the joy of not facing life alone.

11-Months-Down Toast

Letting It All Go

Since J first got deployed, I have been hoping that he would come home soon enough for us to enjoy some summer together.  Even just a few weeks would be nice so that we could go to the ocean, take a picnic, and maybe have a barbecue.  As summer approached, this began to seem unlikely, but I was still hopeful.  June came with no sign of J coming home.  July arrived with similar silence.  With a long, sad sigh, I finally had to accept that J would not be coming home this summer.  That meant no trip to the ocean, no picnic, and no barbecue.

On Wednesday evening of last week (due to circumstances I won't explain here), I discovered that I would have an unexpected three-day weekend completely free.  I contemplated the idea of doing something fun and random.  I looked up plane tickets, but they were all insanely expensive.  I next decided to look at a trip to the ocean.  I asked around about good spots, looked up hotels, and Thursday night found a pretty decent deal and made a reservation.  I would leave first thing Friday morning.  I couldn't wait!    

I assumed no one else would be free at the last minute to leave for vacation on a weekday, so I packed a bunch of books, seven in total, and decided I would read and explore!  

Lighthouse

I got up early Friday morning and made great time on my drive.  I arrived a little before ten.  I had the whole day free.  I really just wanted to sit by the ocean and read.  It was raining when I arrived, but being the optimist that I am, I assumed it would clear.  I thought that while it rained I would go for a walk.  I walked to a lighthouse and explored.  The lighthouse was cute and the gardens were gorgeous.  I found a covered spot and looked out on the gardens while it rained.

Looking out at the ocean
from under my umbrella

After visiting the lighthouse, I went back to my hotel, hoping the rain would clear so I could go to the beach.  Around noon I finally gave up waiting for the rain to stop and went to the beach in the rain.  I plopped my chair on the beach and sat under my umbrella.  I of course didn't pack any pants for the trip so I tried to wrap myself up in my beach towel to stay warm.  I propped my kindle up against the pole of my umbrella, and as the rain and wind picked up, I wrapped my towel around the sides to keep it dry.  The rain and wind continued to pick up.  I looked around the beach for a warmer spot and saw a shed where, on nice days, people can rent beach chairs and umbrellas.  I put my chair against the shed to block some of the wind.  I tried moving around the shed as the wind changed directions.  

Finally, I was too cold and went back to the hotel.  I tried sitting on the porch of my hotel room where there was a nice overhang, but even that became too cold.  It was a complete downpour.  I went into my hotel room and sat and read on my bed.  BUT WHO GOES TO THE OCEAN IN ORDER TO SIT IN THEIR HOTEL ROOM AND READ?!?!?!?!?!??!?!  NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I needed a solution!

I remembered seeing a Marshalls on my drive in, and thought I could find it and buy some cheap pants, a raincoat, or anything warm.  I got in my car and ended up driving about 45 minutes in the downpour, but not finding the Marshalls or any other store that would sell clothes.  As I was driving back to the hotel, I decided to at least stop for food and wine.  Wine is really important on vacation, especially a vacation in the rain!  When I got out of my car to make the two stops, I got drenched.  It was one of those rains where, that second it takes you to open your umbrella as you step out of the car, is enough to soak you to the bone.  

When I finally got back to my hotel, completely drenched and completely unsuccessful in my attempt to find warm clothes, I kind of had to laugh.  This trip was definitely not going as planned.  But, here I was, already soaked, why not enjoy it?  So I went down to the ocean.  When I got to the beach I ran into the water.  I was freezing, but I didn't care.  The wind blew, and the rain poured, but it was so beautiful.  I think I saw three other people on the beach while I was there, a Dad with his about eight-year old daughter, and a runner.  I was pretty much alone with the ocean.  I walked along the ocean letting the waves splash against my feet.  When I got too cold, I crouched by the dunes and held up my umbrella to block the wind.  

At that moment, while I crouched by the dunes and looked out over the ocean, I just smiled.  There was something beautiful about this trip.  I realized that I had let go of any disappointment I had with the weather and decided to just love my trip no matter what it had in store for me.  I wanted a fun weekend getaway and I was going to have it no matter what!  

Later that evening, the weather did clear and I was able to enjoy reading out by the ocean.  

The next day was gorgeous!

The sun rising Saturday morning

It was so gorgeous that the beach was completely packed and I found myself feeling thankful for the time I had to be alone at the ocean during the rain on Friday.  I was glad that I got both the rain and the sun on my trip.

A gorgeous day at the ocean

I ended up completely loving my little getaway to the ocean.  It was relaxing, refreshing, and I'm really glad I went.

I do have one takeaway from this weekend, and that's the value of letting go of the things I cannot change.  One aspect of this deployment that is so frustrating for me is that every day we're apart is a day we'll never get back.  Every day down is another day lost.  Yes, I'm glad we're almost 11 months down, but that's 11 months of our lives we didn't get to share together.  J coming home will not change the fact that we missed a Christmas together, an anniversary together, etc.; that time is lost.  

As it poured on my trip to the ocean and I let go of the rain, I let go of this lost time as well.  I can't change this deployment.  What I can do, is not allow the frustration I feel toward the deployment to cloud our future.  I want to love the life we have together.  I'm not saying that someday I'll be thankful we went through this deployment, like I was thankful for the rain, but I also refuse to hold onto my frustration.  I can't wait for J to come home.  It's time to let go of everything else and look forward to the future.

Girlfriend Discrimination

I know, I know, everyone stares at me like I'm crazy whenever I bring it up, but I swear it's a thing.  It's what I like to call "Girlfriend Discrimination."  It's frustrating and sometimes, like RIGHT NOW, I want to give it a piece of my mind!

What has triggered this specific post is that I just saw a website looking for blog entries from military WIVES to feature on its page.  Yes, military wives ONLY!

Of course, this might not sound like a big deal to you, but feeling like a second-class citizen in the world of military significant others can sometimes get old.  Of course military girlfriends miss out on things like medical benefits, but that's to be expected, and is the same in the non-military world as well.  Military girlfriends, however, also miss out on access to the PX, military discounts, recognition on Military Spouse Appreciation Day, activities on military bases, phone calls from the FRG (Family Readiness Group) seeing how we're doing, and most importantly, the right to even be notified if something happens to our loved ones.

I think in many ways the army is aware of this problem and cares.  J's unit sends out monthly newsletters, or at least was sending out newsletters for the first several months of the deployment, and all the girlfriends were included in the distribution list.  This made me very happy!  So happy that I not only saved all the envelopes, but I also took a picture of one just in case I ever lost them.  Official army correspondence was sent to ME, the lowly little girlfriend.

By complaining about girlfriend discrimination, I don't mean to belittle what military spouses go through.  I am not trying to compare.  I can't even imagine the difficulties of going through a deployment as a spouse, especially with children.  I'm not even saying that I should get the benefits that military spouses receive.  I'm not looking for the government to change "Military Spouse Appreciation Day" to "Military Significant Other Appreciation Day," I'm not looking for the army to open the PX to girlfriends, and I'm not looking for a military discount at the local amusement park.

BUT, I also think that going through deployments is hard and people need support.  Just because I'm a girlfriend does not mean I don't need the occasional hug or the occasional phone call to see how I'm doing.  It also does not mean that the thoughts I express on this blog are entirely meritless.  Maybe I'm not an army wife, but I do love J, my heart does break each day he's gone, I do lie awake each night until I hear that he's safe, and I am committed to loving him and supporting him through whatever this deployment throws our way.

So although my blog posts will stay right here and won't ever be published on a "military wife ONLY" website, I'm going to keep writing these posts because maybe, despite being a lowly little girlfriend, I will still be able to offer support and encouragement to other significant others surviving deployments.

Ramadan

One of my friends mentioned to me yesterday that Ramadan begins today and is a particularly dangerous time for our troops.  This year Ramadan begins Monday, July 8 and ends Wednesday, August 7.  Please pray extra hard for my loved one's safety, and the safety of all our troops, during this time.

Fourth of July

I have always loved the Fourth of July.  When I was a kid, my family went to Wyoming to see my Grandma every summer.  For the Fourth of July, we would sit out by a lake and watch the fireworks go off.  My memories of the Fourth of July are combined with all my great memories from those summers: the Wyoming landscape, with the cactus, lakes, lizards, canyons, and mountains, games with my family, swimming at the lake, laying at the dock, and spending time with my Grandma.  

Once I finished school, the Fourth of July had a fun, new element, with a random day off work.  Last year was amazing.  The Fourth of July fell on a Wednesday and J and I decided to make the most of the day, knowing that his deployment was quickly approaching.  We decided to go to Longwood Gardens, a large garden open to the public with numerous plants to explore.  This was probably one of the worst ideas we've ever had.  It was over 100 degrees, and walking around outside in the sun all day was kind of miserable.  The indoor plants were even worse because there were little greenhouses with not even a tiny breeze blowing.  I decided to take lots of pictures so I could more fully enjoy the beauty of the plants once I was at home in the air conditioning.  

Still, despite the heat and the sweat dripping off my face, the day was wonderful.  It was a day with J to explore a new place, have a new adventure, and spend time together.  I found myself thinking a lot about that day this Fourth of July.  I'm sure everyone who is going through, or has been through, a deployment knows the feeling.  Yes, the day was not perfect and the memory is not perfect, but still, I would give anything to be in that moment again, because we were together.

This year, J is not here to celebrate with me, but I decided I still wanted to love my Fourth of July.  It is a day to celebrate, and with a boyfriend in the military, I have a new appreciation for the day and what it stands for.  For me, the best way to enjoy any day is to embark on a project.  So here it is: My Fourth of July Project.  

Fourth of July Rice Krispies Treats

A friend of mine found the idea on Pinterest and sent it to me.  I had been trying to figure out how I could make a flag, and realized it was going to be way too difficult.  This idea was much more manageable!    



The idea of the treats is to have a red layer, a white layer, and a blue layer.  The easiest way to use food coloring with Rice Krispies Treats is to die the marshmallow/margarine mixture before adding the Rice Krispies.  It's best to make three separate batches.  I started with the red, melting the margarine and marshmallows, adding red food coloring, adding the Rice Krispies, then pouring the mixture into the pan:

The next step was to go through the same process with white.  The trickiest part of adding the second and third layers is that it is hard to spread the Rice Krispie mixture without disturbing the layer below.  I found it easiest to drop chunks of the mixture all over the pan and just push it down, rather than spreading the mixture out like I usually do when making normal Rice Krispies Treats.  

 Finally I added the blue layer:

In the end, the treats turned out pretty well!  I might make these again for J when he comes home.  I was quite proud of my creation!  A beautiful masterpiece: 

Once I got going on my Fourth of July fun, I couldn't stop with the Rice Krispies Treats.  I decided to make a Fourth of July fruit salad for the barbecue I was going to, and I then decided to even eat Fourth of July oatmeal for breakfast:

There's a quote I love that has inspired me this deployment: "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."  That's how I felt this Fourth of July.  The weather was amazing, I had my fun project, I went to a barbecue and spent time with friends.  It was a good day!  Sure, I would trade it all for sweating and burning in the hot sun at Longwood Gardens with J, but this Fourth of July I was able to dance in the rain.  

The Passage of Time

I have a superpower: I know how to make time stop.

I can share my power with you, but you may not want it.  You see, I only know how to make time stop, I don't know how to make time move.

It's interesting to measure the passage of the deployment.  I of course count time: the days, weeks, and months.  My love left in the middle of a month, so I count to that date each month.  One month down!  Two months down!  Three months down!

I count the passing of each calendar month, getting excited on the first of every new month.  I fell in love with the 28-day February and I detest the 31-day July.  You might think I'm crazy, but I rejoiced that June was just 30 days.  March!  April!  May!

I measure the weeks.  I always find some solace on a Monday morning, knowing that it may be Monday, but it is at least a new week.  Yes, I have to survive this Monday morning if it means this deployment ever ending.  Monday!

I have my countdown to mark the days.  If I get out of bed, I can change the countdown.  That's the deal!  Another day down.  250!  249!  248!

I also measure this deployment by a series of books, TV shows, events, and frustrations.  

So far, I have read 19 new books this deployment.  I have reread some old favorites as well.  I mark the deployment through the books I've read.  I remember the phase where I cried every night reading Chicken Soup for the Couple's Soul, and wondered why on earth I thought reading that book was a good idea.  Then there was the Something Borrowed and Something Blue phase, where I would get mad at J because of things the guys did in the books.  (Why do I always get mad at him because of things fictional characters in books do?)  My new kindle opened the door to cheap classics and I've enjoyed Jane Eyre, Persuasion, and am now reading Emma.  There's been the breaks for children's books with Half Magic, From the Mixed-Up files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, and The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.  (I love children's books and these book have really cheered me up!)  There was my army girlfriend camaraderie book: Dream When You're Feeling Blue.  (This book did make me feel better, helping me realize how infinitely worse war and deployments must have been for people during World War II.  At least we have internet!)  There were my efforts at career development: Networking for People Who Hate Networking: A Field Guide for Introverts, the Overwhelmed, and the Underconnected and How to Win Friends and Influence People.  There were two books I waited eagerly to read: Inferno and The Casual Vacancy.  And of course, there were more.  Another book down!

There have been the TV-show addictions.  Both Army Wives and Once Upon a Time spring to mind.  TV shows are great for passing the deployment.  Another episode down!  Another season down!

I can then measure the passage of the deployment based on J's schedule.  His schedule dramatically changes about once a month. Some months we can talk conveniently in the evenings, other months we can barely talk at all.  There were fun months when we could message online every night, and sad months when I just received a few messages in the mornings at work.  Another schedule change down!

As a runner, I had a long frustrating saga with my ankle.  The frustrating month of being in pain and putting off going to the doctor, the frustrating month of physical therapy, the even more frustrating month in a boot, then the slow, happy improvements in my ankle as I could add walking, then biking, the elliptical, and now running, building milage slowly.  Out of the boot!  On the bike!  Running!  1 mile!  2 miles!  3 miles!

There are happy markers of the deployment.  My sister and I get together once a month and I can measure the deployment by our series of visits.  I have a group of army friends with whom I try to get together about once a week.  I am part of a hat club that goes out to dinner or drinks about once a month.   Another visit!  Another lunch!  Another hat!  Another weekend!

There are the holidays.  Each marking a new turn.  Each giving me something to look forward to and a date to pass.  Valentine's Day!  Easter!  Fourth of July!  

If you look at this blog post, you might be tempted to believe that time has passed.  You could be right (though I certainly won't concede the point), but don't let that fool you into thinking time is passing!  No!  Time is not passing.  Time has stopped.  That is my superpower.  I want to see J again so badly, that time actually refuses to budge.

To end on a happy note - I would hate to leave any fellow military significant others with so little hope at the end of this entry, so I will conclude with the little advice I do have on making time move.  

First, having small events to look forward to helps time move.  When there are holidays, lunches, visits with family, activities with friends, time will strangely agree to move.  I can't understand why time will budge if you're excited about Saturday, but refuses to budge when you're excited about the end of the deployment, but that seems to be the deal.  Time is fickle, stubborn, and rebellious, and we have to play by its rules.  

Second, try for a moment to enter someone else's reality.  You know those annoying comments you overhear when you're out to eat or at a coffee shop, and someone innocently remarks, "time is moving so fast"?  You know how you want to jump over the booth and strangle the stranger at the table next to you?  Don't do it!  Those people are making time pass!  All those people who are trying to enjoy their summer and dreading fall.  All the people thinking their kids are growing up too fast.  All those people enjoying their picnics and barbecues and trips to the beach and dreading the end of their weekends and vacations.  They're making time pass!  When you hear those comments, try to enter that reality.  Try to imagine not wanting July to pass.  For that brief moment, time will begin to move.  Then it will happen:

  Another Day Down!

The Deployment Roller Coaster

Deployment Roller Coaster
(my artistic skills are second to none)

This entire deployment has been an emotional roller coaster.  There are days when time seems to be passing and I think I can handle this.  Then there are other days when I am certain I cannot make it through another moment.  Days when I miss my love so much I feel like time has stopped and I cannot go on until I get to see him again.  

I've read some articles on the cycles of a deployment, and they discuss large phases, like the initial denial and missing, then the acceptance, then the anticipation for the loved one coming home.  As of yet, that has not been my experience.  I've been on this same exciting ride the whole time.  I feel for my family and friends.  I am sure they are all wondering why there are some days I am cheering on the passage of times and other days I snap at them for making encouraging comments.  (sorry guys!)  

So here they are, the fun, exciting loops of the deployment roller coaster:

1. SADNESS

There are days when I miss J so much I don't want to get out of bed.  I feel so tired that it takes all my energy to move through the day.  I generally don't feel like being around people, and if I do see people, I feel as though I have absolutely nothing to say.  This is the worst part of the deployment.

2.  ANGER

The good thing about the anger phase, which usually comes right after the sadness phase, is that I know I am feeling better because the emotions return.  I start feeling more like myself.  I'll be the first to admit that even when I'm not going through a deployment, I have a bit of a temper.  The deployment temper is just magnified times one hundred and is quite a bit less rational than my normal temper.  The list of things I get mad about is ridiculously long.  In fact, I will not put the list on my blog in fear of all my friends learning the extent of my crazy deployment temper.  Let's just say it's irrational anger.  I'm mad about the deployment and the injustice that my boyfriend got deployed and my life is just frozen in time while everyone else's life seems to move on.  I want fun vacations and cute photos too!

I always feel bad for pretty much everyone I know during this phase.  Woe is the person who tries to cheer me up when I am ANGRY!  NO, this deployment is not going fast!  NO, I am not happy that we're 10.5 months down!  NO, there is NO bright side and NO silver lining!

3. ACCEPTANCE

The best phase of the roller coaster is the acceptance phase.  I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm not angry, but I am just dealing with it.  I think this is the best you can hope for in the deployment.  The truth is this isn't a great year and this isn't fun.  However, I can accept it and try to make the most of it.  I seem to hit this phase when I get busy either at work, putting together care packages, making projects, or trying to accomplish goals.  During the acceptance phase, I miss J and I think about J constantly, but I can accept that I have to keep going.

4. TOO HAPPY

There are brief moments when I start to think time is going fast and the end is in sight.  Although it feels great for that day, or those few moments, the problem is there really is still a long way to go.  This is why I love my roller coaster analogy.  Becoming too happy is like being at the top of a giant downward spiral.  It is exhilarating and feels great for that moment, but it is followed by a long downward slope.  The "YES, WE'RE DOING THIS!" is always followed by me missing J so much I can barely function.  For this reason, I try not to think about the end.  I try not to get too excited.  I try to just accept.

So there it is, the deployment roller coaster.  Although this roller coaster ride continues, as the deployment goes on, I do think it is getting better in some ways.  I feel like the downward slopes are less steep and long.  I spend most of my time in the acceptance phase.  I have also learned the dangers of getting too happy and too excited about the end.  So for those friends and family reading this, you now can understand why I try to steer away from excited conversations dreaming about the end, why some days I'm in a really bad or sad mood even though nothing has happened or changed, and why I often try to just ignore the deployment and accept where I am.

I can't conclude this post without mentioning that one thing is constant throughout this deployment, and that is the fact that I love J very very much.  That never changes no matter where I am on the roller coaster ride.  I love him when I'm sad, when I'm mad, when I'm accepting, and when I'm happy.  That is what makes this whole crazy ride worthwhile.