Life's Not Fair

I recently read that one of the tricks to happiness is not to compare your life to others.  That's some pretty good advice because life is simply not fair.  

When I go about comparing, my problem is perspective.  Why do I always compare my life to people who I view as having "more" than me, but ignore all the people who have "less" than me?  What's even worse is that I seem to pick bits and pieces out of others' lives.  I don't even compare my entire life to someone else's entire life, I dwell on one thing I'm upset about in my life, and think about someone's life where that one thing is better.

"OH THE INJUSTICE," I think.

This deployment has been a key example of this comparison problem.  

I find myself looking at my friends with wonderful, non-deployed significant others and thinking that this deployment IS NOT FAIR!  In my comparison, I of course don't consider any other aspect of their lives, and I ignore all people not in happy relationships.  

Today has been particularly bad for my comparison mentality.  I can't give many details, but the general issue is that J is coming home after the rest of his unit.  This means that my friends get to see their significant others much sooner than I will see J.  I am so happy for them, but I can't help thinking it's not fair!  

I've tried looking for some silver lining, but I'm coming up dry.  The problem though isn't a failed search for silver lining, it's my perspective.  Why am I focusing on this one thing that seems (and is) unfair, but ignoring everything else?  Yes, between this small group of girls, I got a bad deal on this one particular issue, but that doesn't even mean I got the "worst" deal on the deployment as a whole.  Why do I compare this one bad thing and somehow think I picked the short straw in this deployment and life?

For just a moment, I am going to take a step back and change my perspective.  I'm going to stop comparing and just count my blessings:

I am so blessed to have J in my life.  I don't think I'll ever be able to describe how amazing J is or how much I love him!  It's incredible knowing someone worth going through this deployment for.  

I am blessed to have people in my life who have been so supportive this year.  It's unbelievable how much of a blessing they have all been.  Friends and family have called, sent texts, emailed, etc., constantly giving me support.  Whenever I'm having a bad day, someone's always there to make it better.  In fact, I came home tonight to two boxes my mom sent to cheer me up!  

I have also met great girls who went through this deployment with me.  I am so fortunate to have had friends in the same boat with whom I could go through this deployment.

My sister is about to have a baby and I am SO EXCITED TO BE AN AUNT!

I have a great job.  Despite this economy, I have found a job in my field, doing something I enjoy, and working with wonderful people.

I have a craft room!

I have an incredible cookie cutter collection!

Ok, this could go on for some time...

When I start thinking about "how unfair this deployment is", the biggest thing I need to keep in mind is that every day of this deployment has been my choice.  Every day I have woken up and thought about how much I love J and how this is all worth it.  Obviously, deep down I know I didn't draw the short straw.  

So the bottom line, as it relates to this deployment and my entire life, is this:

 LIFE IS NOT FAIR.  I have been unfairly blessed.

My Happiness Project

I'm tired of being sad.  This deployment has gone on long enough and I am ready to be happy!  So, although the deployment carries on, I am just going to be happy anyway!  SO THERE!

Here's my plan:  

I need to start focusing on everything I have to be thankful for.  The list really is long.  I think when my focus shifts away from the deployment and onto the blessing in my life, I will be happier.  To do this, I am going to write one thing down each night that I am thankful for.  It can be anything, something that happened that day or something more general in my life.  It will be a chance to reflect on my blessings.  

The second thing I will do is write a goal for each day.  I need to have an active plan to be more positive and happy.  My goals can be: "find one thing I enjoy in each activity I do that day" or "take a moment each hour to smile " or "call a friend to chat", etc.  I always think goals should be something I do rather than something I don't do.  Active goals feel more positive and are harder to break.  For example, if my goal is, "Don't say anything negative all day," I could fail by lunch, throw the goal out the window, and feel worse for my efforts.  I prefer a goal like, "For every negative comment I make, I will make one positive comment."  That way I can't fail.  If I accidentally say something negative, I just need to think of a positive comment to also say.  

The final thing I will do is give thanks for each day when I wake up.  This deployment has been all about counting down the days, but I'm ready to start appreciating and enjoying them.  Life is precious and I want to give thanks for each day I have.

Wish me luck on my HAPPY endeavors!  

Paleo Pumpkin Muffin Bake-Off

My most recent deployment project has been my quest to find the perfect paleo pumpkin muffin recipe. To find the perfect recipe, I found four different recipes and decided to have my own little bake-off.

Background: I have recently heard a lot about the paleo diet so I became curious.  After doing a little online research, I learned that it is a dairy-free, gluten-free diet.  This is perfect for me because I'm allergic to dairy and my mom is allergic to gluten.  I am excited that I can now find recipes that fit both our allergies.  The reason for doing pumpkin muffins is probably obvious: I love pumpkin!!!!!  

Preparation:  I looked up recipes online and found four that seemed good.  I wanted to try a variety of recipes so I could really compare.  The main difference in the recipes I chose seemed to be in the type of flour used.  Two recipes used just almond flour, one used a mix of almond flour and coconut flour, and one used just coconut flour.  Once I chose my recipes, I began collecting ingredients.  Most of the ingredients were easy to find.  The one ingredient that proved difficult to find was raw honey. I randomly found some raw honey one day when I was out of town and had no idea what a great find it was!  Once I ran out, I struggled to find more.  Luckily, my mom and sister saved the day and found a store that sold it so I have stocked up!  Here are all the ingredients ready to go:

The Ingredients

Baking: I made two recipes one night and two recipes a second night to spread out the fun.  The recipes themselves were easy.  With a small exception in Recipe #1, each recipe calls for preheating the oven, mixing all the ingredients, scooping the mixture into 12 muffin tins, and baking for the required time.  Once you have the ingredients, making the muffins is easy!  Here are the four recipes:

Recipe #1: Just Almond Flour, Raw Honey, Almonds on Top

Recipe #1 Prior to Baking

Recipe # 1 After Baking

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 cup almond flour
• 3/4 cup canned pumpkin
• 3 large eggs
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
• 1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spice
• 1/8 tsp sea salt 
• 1/4 cup raw honey
• 2 tsp almond butter
• (sliced almonds to sprinkle on top)

Directions:

• Mix all ingredients except sliced almonds
• Scoop into 12 muffins tins
• Sprinkle Sliced Almonds on top
• Bake for 25 minutes at 350 degrees

Notes:

• I made a couple modifications to the original recipe.  I tried the recipe three times with different amounts of pumpkin pie spice and preferred the 1/2 tsp.  I also sprinkled the almonds on top prior to cooking, rather than after.
• Please find the original recipe at: http://paleopumpkinmuffins.com/

Recipe #2: Just Coconut Flour

                                                                                    Ingredients:

Recipe #2 Prior to Baking

•  1 (15 oz) can pumpkin
• 1/2 cup coconut flour
• 1/2 cup coconut oil (melted)
• 6 eggs
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 3 Tbs honey
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 1 tsp nutmeg
• 1/2 tsp baking power 

Recipe #2 After Baking

Directions:

• Bake for 12 minutes at 400 degrees

Notes:

• Please find the original recipe at: http://www.cindystable.com/paleo-pumpkin-muffins-using-coconut-flour/

Recipe #3: Almond Flour, Walnuts, Most Almond Butter

Recipe #3 Prior to Baking

Recipe #3 After Baking

Ingredients:

• 1 cup almond flour
• 1 cup canned pumpkin
• 2 eggs
• 1/4 cup almond butter
• 1/4 cup honey
• 1 tsp baking power
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spice
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 3/4 cup chopped walnuts

Directions:

• Bake for 32-35 minutes at 350 degrees

Notes:

• Please find the original recipe at: http://carrotsncake.com/2012/03/paleo-pumpkin-walnut-muffins.html

Recipe #4: Almond Flour and Coconut Flour

• Recipe #4 was not a hit with my tasters so I have decided to not include the recipe here.  I think the problem for me and my tasters was that the mix of almond flour and coconut flour in this recipe created a strange texture.  

Recipe #4 Prior to Baking

Recipe #4 After Baking

The results: 

I would say that Recipe #1 won hands down.  I was absolutely amazed that it really tasted like a muffin.  I would never have guessed that it was gluten-free and low-carb.  I have been very addicted to this recipe since I found it.  I actually just made another batch tonight and have eaten three muffins while writing this post!

Recipe #2 is unique in a good way.  It has the consistency of the inside of a pumpkin pie.  For this reason, it would be a mistake to make this recipe expecting an ordinary muffin.  This recipe is also best cold.  I hated it when it first came out of the oven, but I really liked it when I ate it cold the next day.  The reviews on this muffin have been mixed, but strong.  People seem to either really like it or really dislike it.

Recipe #3 is good.  I loved the walnuts in it.  It has a lot of almond butter, which gives it a moist consistency.

As I mentioned previously, I did not care for Recipe #4.  It wasn't horrible, but it isn't a recipe I'd make again.

So the winner is Recipe #1, with Recipes #2 and #3 tied for second place!

Sampling
Top Row: #3, #2
Bottom Row: #4, #1

Waiting for the Phone to Ring

I want to talk to J so much right now!  I am having a bad day.  Of course, there is no way for me to call him.  All I can do is sit here and stare at my phone, willing it to ring.

People say a watched pot doesn't boil, but those people have clearly never left a pot unattended only to later find that the contents have boiled over the pot and all over the stove.  That's the same with a watched phone.  If people think a watched phone doesn't ring, that's only because they've never missed a phone call from their love.

I hate missing phone calls, but no matter what I do, there's no way to always hear it ring.  When I'm at home, I keep my phone on loud and wear clothes with pockets so I can carry my phone around with me as I move through the house to clean or do laundry.  Even so, sometimes I don't hear it ring.  Sometimes the phone is in my purse while I drive or shop for groceries.  Somehow, I don't hear it ring.  Sometimes I have the volume turned down low at work, and I don't hear it ring.  I have missed J's calls even with my phone sitting right next to me on my desk.  Sometimes I'm in the shower or out for a run.  On those occasions I don't even have a chance to hear the ring.  

Missing a call propels me into days of staring at my phone.  "I will never shower again," I promise!  It is tormenting.  I find myself trying to sneak small things in - "If I get up at 6:00 and rush to the grocery store, I wonder if I can get back in time so as to not risk missing J's call?"  

Basing my schedule around the phone is fine if he calls early, but it's not so good if he calls late, or not at all.  Spending an entire day racing to do small tasks, while mostly staring at the phone, is rough.  There's not a lot you can do while waiting for that ring.

Cell phones don't seem to help.  Sure, in some ways this deployment is certainly easier with a cell phone.  I can take my phone with me to the mailbox or for a walk around the block, but it's not like J and I can have a full conversation when I'm checking out at the grocery store.  If I'm out with a friend, I can pick up the phone, but I can't have a 45-minute phone call in the middle of dinner.  In those situations, even if I hear the ring, a quick hello is not what I want.  What I want is to have a real conversation with my love.  

Somehow I've managed to miss J's calls even while staring at my phone.  I remember one horrible night when he tried calling while I was driving home from work.  My phone was in my purse and I didn't hear in ring.  J left a message saying he'd try again.  I had such a hope!  I wanted to talk to him so much that I put my phone on full volume and sat and stared at it.  I wouldn't even read a book in fear of missing his call.  Then suddenly, I had a voicemail.  It was J; he had tried again.  "I'm right here!!!!!!!!!  J, please call again."  I had no way to tell him that though.  I continued to stare, "please ring."  Then suddenly, I had another voicemail.  J was giving up for the night.  I was crushed.  I had spent the night staring at my phone, and despite J's attempts to call, it would not ring!

Staring at the phone might seem sad and depressing to people outside the military world, but phone calls are all we have.  We don't have hugs and smile and time to be together.  We get calls.  I look so forward to talking to J, and during those moments we talk, life seems right again.  I don't know how he does it, but he makes me so happy.  No matter what sort of day I've had, after speaking with him, I feel cheery and ready to tackle life again.  

Bottom line, getting to talk to J is worth it.  It's worth all of the waiting, the staring, and the agonizing.  It's worth skipping birthday drinks, dinner plans, grocery shopping, or a shower.  Perhaps that's just what love is.

So I will keep sitting here waiting, because if I do, eventually, someday, my phone with ring.

BRRRRRRRRRING!!!!

Deployment Wine Glasses

I have a small group of girls I have hung out with during this deployment whose significant others are deployed with J.  I often refer to them as "the army girls."  Some time ago, we joked about how the guys receive patches for each deployment and we really should be awarded patches for making it through this deployment as well.  Deployments are a battle, literally for the soldiers and figuratively for the loved ones back home.

Materials for our Project

At first this was a joke, but then I got the idea that deployment glasses really would be perfect.  I thought it would be fun to design our own glasses with whatever best commemorated the deployment for each of us.  I picked up a box of inexpensive wine glasses, ordered a pack of puffy paint, and we were ready to go.

On my wine glass I wrote: 

• Deployment Conqueror 
• Afghanistan 2012-2013 
• Love Wins! 

Along the bottom I added:

• Love always and forever  

I then drew a little helicopter, a heart, and a yellow ribbon.  I had initially thought of using "deployment survivor" on my glass, but decided "deployment conqueror" had a better meaning.  My initial concern with "survivor" was that someone could easily interpret "survivor" literally, which I wanted to avoid.  I also prefer the connotation of "conqueror."  I won't just survive, or make it through, this deployment; I will conquer it.  Take that deployment!  Whatever you throw our way, our love wins!

 Here is my glass:

Deployment Conqueror
Love Wins!

Afghanistan 2012-2013

The other girls had great ideas as well.  Both girls made dog tags at the bottom of their glasses with their first initial and their significant other's first initial inside the tags.  

Additionally, one of my friends wrote:

• Our love is deployment strong 

She then added a yellow ribbon and a heart.  At the bottom she wrote:

• 2012-2013

My other friend wrote:

• We are one day closer and one day stronger

She also added a yellow ribbon and a heart.  At the bottom she wrote:

• 2012-2013

My friends were nice enough to give me permission to post pictures of their glasses on my blog.  Here they are:

our love is deployment strong

2012-2013

We Are One Day Closer and One Day Stronger

2012-2013

I don't plan to touch my glass until this deployment is over.  At that point, I will have one VERY celebratory drink to cheer that this stinkin' deployment has finally been conquered!!  After that, I will probably turn it into a candy dish or candle holder.  It is not really that practical as a glass.

In all, this project was a lot of fun and I love our deployment "patches"!  

The Three Glasses

When All You Have To Talk About Is A Puzzle

During this deployment, I have had absolutely nothing to say.  I would go to lunch with friends and wouldn't be able to add anything to the conversation.  People would ask me how I was doing, and I wouldn't be able to think of a response past "fine."  Talking on the phone only worked if the other person could carry the conversation.

My puzzle is an example of my inability to speak.  I can't really make my puzzle sound exciting for purposes of this blog post.  It wasn't exciting; it was a puzzle.  Still, there was a time this winter when that puzzle was the only thing I could think to talk about.  I told friends about my puzzle and even posted a picture of it on FB.  I felt a need to interact, but I had nothing to say.  

I don't really feel this silence any more.  I feel back to my normal talkative self.  I can't fully explain why I felt such an inability to speak, or why I now am back to "normal," but I can venture some guesses.  This post is a work in progress; my current best guesses on why it is so hard to speak during a deployment.

Deployments are difficult to talk about.

Deployments themselves are difficult to talk about.  There really just isn't much to say.  Nothing ever changes.  What can I say about the deployment?  J is still deployed.  Period.  I appreciate it so much when people ask me about the deployment and how J is doing, but there isn't much to report.  J is still deployed.  I'm still here missing him.

Then there is the issue that everything is a secret.  Oh OpSec!  How I hate you!  The few things I hear that I want to share are secret.  What do I obsess over?  WHEN WILL J FINALLY COME HOME!?!?!?!?!?!  But of course, I'm not supposed to mention anything about that.  There may be days when I'm extra grumpy or days when I'm extra cheery, depending on the current homecoming rumors, but mum's the word.  I can't say a thing.  

Then there is the final issue that I need to keep it together.  Even if something changes that I can share, some days I just need to block it all out to get through the day.  

Nothing else seems to matter.

To an ordinary person, there would still be plenty in life to talk about, but for me, nothing else seems to matter.  Therefore, it's not worth mentioning.   

When J first left, and I was so scared every day that something would happen to him, it was hard to care about anything else.  How on earth could I care about what I ate for breakfast when my love was fighting a war?  

There is a deployment slogan I see frequently: "Half my heart is deployed."  It's a good metaphor.  Half my heart is fighting a war on the other side of the world.  I may live in a first world country, work a professional job, have good food, and be relatively safe, but half my heart is in an entirely different world.  In that world, people fight wars and are faced with the reality of death.  

Living through a deployment changes your perspective.  Things you used to care about no longer matter.

I want to be a positive person.  

My typical personality is upbeat and positive.  I like to add something positive to a conversation.  When someone asks me how I'm doing, I like to say "Good!"  I like to smile and tell fun stories.  

During this deployment, I simply haven't felt happy and it's hard to be an unhappy person.  When someone asks me how I'm doing, I don't want to say, "sad."  I don't want to talk about how I'm having a bad day, or a bad 11 months.  I don't want to bring down the conversation.

My life is so different from those around me.

Deployments are socially weird.  I have friends in relationships and friends who are single.  My friends in relationships talk about all their fun couple activities.  My single friends talk about going out and meeting people.  Then there's me.  I don't have couple stories and I don't have single stories.  I don't know how my stories fit into any conversation.

I feel like my life is dull and boring.  

For much of this deployment, I have felt tired and uninterested in doing exciting things.  Not doing exciting things obviously prevents me from telling stories about exciting things.  When people tell me their fun stories, my stories don't seem worth mentioning.  "I went to a big party this weekend." "I watched a season of Army Wives."  No no.  It's better to remain silent.

As always, I want to leave this post with a little happiness and advice for my fellow military significant others.  The happiness is that it gets better.  As time passes, you will find things to talk about again.  All those little things you forgot how to talk about start to seem worth mentioning again.  The advice is that until the silence passes, don't be afraid to talk about small, insignificant things, like a puzzle.  Sharing something, anything, will make you feel less isolated.  My puzzle is proof of how wonderful my friends and family are.  They listened to me talk.  Having something to discuss, even a puzzle, really did help me feel less isolated and more apart of their world.  

Owl Post

Before J left for his deployment, I was watching Harry Potter and realized that we needed to get a pet owl.  An owl would be the perfect deployment pet.  She could keep us both company and travel between us with letters and packages!  No need for a post office and a companion for us both!  How is that not the perfect pet?  

I raised the idea with J, and though he loved the idea of getting a pet owl, he was concerned the owl wouldn't be able to fly the entire way across the Atlantic Ocean.  I suppose that is a long way to fly without a place to land, but I still thought there was hope.  I posted the question on a FB status: Could an owl fly across the Atlantic Ocean to deliver our deployment mail?  I believe it was my Dad who pointed out that the owl certainly could if she rode in a USPS box.  The idea was born.

Putting together the care package:  I searched for the perfect owl and I found her.  I wrote a note on a piece of parchment (some might call it paper), and rolled it up.  I then tied the note around the owl's beak with ribbon.  I planned to wrap snacks in little packages and tie them to the owl's legs with ribbon, but the realities of trying to fit everything snuggly into a box prevented that idea.  I ended up just packing the snacks in the bottom of the box.  Some of my snacks included: trail mix, crackers, peanut butter, drink mix, Altoids, and apple sauce.  

Here It Is: Owl Post

I think she's excited for her journey

The Package All Ready To Go